All posts by Reina Hoctin Boes

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About Reina Hoctin Boes

I rely on e-motion. It's not about the smileys. And yet we live in a digital era where our emotions seem to be annoying attributes to life. Restrained, carefully chosen events to move our senses, are okay. We like to buy our emotions: food, dating sites, concert tickets. The fair exchange for money gives a sense of control over our emotions. Because what if, we freely open up, expose our senses on a daily basis to all that comes around? It means vulnerability. Do we really want to go there? Or do we rather read or fantasize about it? The second part of my life I wish to dedicate to the senses. And as such I'll be re-exploring reality. We say this moment is our life. What is it that this moment beholds? I reckon we haven't got a clue to find out what this moment beholds other then our five senses.

Tea Ceremony

   
A good relationship starts with a cup of tea. Beautifully said by Ooyama Seichaen. His slogan appears at the website of Mono Japan, a three day exhibition and cultural exchange program hosted by the Lloyd Hotel, Amsterdam. Ooyama Seichaen is a tea farmer. Since 23 years he proudly owns a tea plantation in Nagasaki, Japan. Tea was introduced in Japan during the twelfth century by a zen monk who brought it from China. Nagasaki, Kobe and Tokyo all three got tea plants from him and started cultivating the leaves for medical use. Over the centuries tea and drinking tea became custom and found it’s ultimate meaning in the traditional tea ceremony, Sado. Sa meaning tea (chai) and Do meaning the way: The Way of Tea. Let me tell you about my first steps onto that path.

Today Ooyama Seichan and mr Tosaka have come to Amsterdam to tell us about their tea and some amazing methods of preparing it. It actually feels only slightly off from Alice’s unbirthday tea party. Ooyama’s workshop and tastings sure are as much of a deeper meaning learning experience as is Alice’s magical party.

Eight years ago. I had maybe once or twice tried green tea out of curiosity. Mainly because it was a quite new addition to the regular Amsterdam assortment in shops and places like the Coffee Company and I like to be on top of new things. I surely didn’t like the taste of it. 

Then I got send off to Tokyo for work during two weeks. Thrilled to experience the real Japan not as a tourist but actually being part of the society for thirteen whole days, I spent my one and only recreational day as meaningful as possible. It took some effort to make it possible and without the help of the reception staff of the hotel where I stayed it wouldn’t have materialized. But at that particular day a traditional tea ceremony was booked for me. For me alone.
I travelled – in Tokyo one doesn’t go by public transport but travels by it – to a fancy hotel. Can’t think of the name no more. But it was an impressive high rise with a private half roundabout in front of the entrance for the taxi’s to drop off guests. The elevator brought me to the top floor where I entered a special tearoom. A not white painted and simply dressed in a sober colored outfit, Japanese woman welcomed me. Whatever the looks, to me she was a geisha. 
She asked me to take place at the tatami floor. She explained what was going to happen in that room with just her and me the following hour. She explained how I should react upon her gestures and how I should receive from her what she would be offering. Once started only silence remained. It was beautiful. The way she held her utensils, the way the water was boiled, the way she manicured her gestures, the way it smelled. So this was the way of tea. I was brought onto the path, impressed and grateful.

From that day on I’ve been drinking green tea. Occasionally accompanied by a mochi, a semi sweet steamed ball made of rice starch, if I am lucky to lay my hands on it. I’ve been drinking a lot of green tea. Back then at Tokyo airport in some kind of fancy store – to me almost all Japanese stores are fancy – I purchased the essentials in order to be able to prepare matcha tea back home. A beautiful whysker, a special bamboo spoon, a delicate small can filled with green matcha powder and two earthenware bowls. Matcha is served in a relatively large bowl because of the necessary whysking as opposed to the fine egg shell like porcelain cups used for other tea types. My Japanese tea set felt sacred and so it remained.
Four years past in which many lives changed dramatically at least the ones of me and my beloved ones. A second child was born and a relationship broken. And then I found myself visiting a man. Our first date was at his birthday. I’d gone finding a suitable present and arrived at his place with a beautiful earthenware tea bowl, selected specially for him, and my sacred Japanese tea utensils. A good relationship begins with a cup of tea. Those words hadn’t been written yet or at least I had never heard of it.
I prepared the valuable matcha with a geisha like intention. We didn’t make love that day. The earthenware bowl later ended up as a garde-monnaie. And the impression of purity this special man experienced was expressed in the second edition of a book he had recently been writing. A good relationship starts with a cup of tea. 
Another four years passed. The contact appeared too pure and impossible to handle. Purity as opposed to different shades of grey proves itself impossible to integrate in our modern daily lives. In our harassed existence where bondage, compromise and incompleteness rule. No place for purity and no more tea. Sex and alcohol quickly took over as tools to connect. The relationship fell apart in scattered pieces of hurt, hope and surrender. Obsessive behavior, barriers and a lot of masturbating replaced the initial pure intention. The frequency of contact was as low as the disappointment was high. Probably at both sides. But I can only speak for myself here. If a good relationship starts with a cup of tea, what then marks the end of it? 

While my mind drifted, Ooyama in front of me introduced different methods of preparing different teas. One of which must definitely feature at the next start of a good relationship, I decide. It’s a method where ice cubes slowly melt over Kiri green tea leaves. Kiri is a newly created melange of tamaryoku tea leaves by the hand of Ooyama Seichan himself. Kiri is not for sale (yet) outside Japan. But the preparation can be done with another sort of tamaryoky tea leaves as well. The process of melted ice water that slow as a turtle is getting infused with the umami flavor of green tea leaves to me is beautifully symbolic for the slow blending of the obvious duality of two people present until they connect to their universal one and holy- or wholeness. Let’s call it unification. Mono means product in Japanese. But it associates to uniqueness. In the way of outstanding and in the way of wholeness.
Amino acids (umami flavor) are distracted from the tea leaves already at 5 degrees Celsius. Also a lucid green color is subtracted from the leaves by the melting ice water. Umami tastes completely different to us from what we know as tea. What we know as tea is a flavor which can only be distracted from the leaves by water at temperatures over 80 degrees Celsius. This infusion shouldn’t take longer then 1 minute. Otherwise the taste becomes bitter and actually suspiciously close to what we consider to be tea. The real method is to let water at 60 degrees Celsius be infused by the tea leaves. It brings out the amino acids. The taste of it called umami. In Japan considered the fifth taste after salt, sweet, sour and bitter. The taste is overwhelming. It’s rich like double cream or diary butter but with a liver-like flavor to it. Cod liver. If you think it’s detesting, please stop thinking!
If only about the experience of consciously sipping at slowly dripped cold lucid green tea. Would that mark the beginning or the end of a good relationship? 

The Japanese word EN

  
Meaning connection, family ties, performance and support. So it says at http://www.en-amsterdam.nl. It sounds mindful and I like it. The more because in the Dutch language EN signifies ‘and’, also bringing one and two together. But the extraordinary part of the Japanese EN is the actual experience. Made possible in the newly opened restaurant bearing this beautiful name. EN Japanese kitchen and sake bar is the creation of Chef Ken and fellow partner Ryuji in the cosy Amsterdam neighborhood De Pijp.
My youngest daughter is fascinated by Chef Ken’s little multiple beard. The upper part is shaped in a perfectly groomed upside down triangle right under the lower lip. And the lower part is a relatively thin but precise line exactly at the edge of his jaw line. My daughter of six thinks this is cool. Which chef Ken likes. He laughs heartedly, young and talented as he is. Landed from the impressive Okura high rise at a five minutes walk from EN. Here Chef Ken occupied the kitchen: the single Michelin starred Japanese restaurant in Europe: Yamazato. Chef Ken makes our evening. No we haven’t been dining out since the summer holidays, worth mentioning because it’ll make you critically aware of the fact that the survey of our experiences might be slightly over the top compared to what you think of it. That is, if you dine out more regulary then we do, which I’m sure you do.
Last day of being forty six, spending the evening with my daughters both young and beautiful. It took me days to convince myself of the righteousness to take them out for dinner at EN. The authentic Japanese yet unpretentiously looking place not being the cheapest option. I thank Chef Ken, the heavens, my yoga teacher and my beloved daughters that we did it. Priceless! Connection, family ties, performance and support is what resonates intensely. Words that happen to circumscribe quite exactly what my desires are made of. Tonight these are met in the most simple, heartwarming and yet exquisitely delicate way. Being on a raw vegan diet now for some months, not missing any of the animal or cooked stuff, I actually couldn’t be bothered much by the menu. It had to be sushi for the girls and any kind of salad for me. The girls ended up admiring and devouring exquisite nigiri, topped with melted cheese, truffle and caviar and it sure tantalised my senses. Seaweed, avocado and oshinko – pickles in a myriad of colors and shapes – is what got me. Sober and beautiful table ware with an elegant almost ‘English garden romantic’ style of food presentation garnished with flowers and skillfully shaped pickled vegetables. 
‘Tell your daughter that if she tries for the first time of her life wasabi, the one I serve here, she shouldn’t eagerly try to devour wasabi anywhere else expecting she likes the taste of it. The wasabi I serve is mild, homemade and exceptionally tasty ‘ says Chef Ken. And this pretty much says it all. What an evening! The experience does rely on a combination of high performance, connection and family ties. We’re leaving the place reinforced, supported somehow or maybe even ‘taken to a higher level’. Domo arigato gozaimashita!
 

 

Dood

“Only the present moment contains life.” ― Thích Nhất Hạnh –

Ik ben de flat van mijn overleden peettante aan het uitruimen. Overmorgen rijdt de verhuiswagen voor. Het vacuüm dat ik aantref is als een groot zwart gat in het heelal. Het zuigt alles wat dichtbij genoeg is naar zich toe en neemt het op. Om in het grote niets te verdwijnen. Ik kom dichtbij genoeg. Als ik uren later vertrek uit de flat kost het me moeite en veel tranen om weer terug te komen in mijn eigen universum. Landen op deze aarde met beide voeten weer stevig op de grond, duurt nog veel langer. If ever. 

‘Het is wat’ 

‘Wat is wat?’

‘Wat je achterlaat als je er niet meer bent’

‘Of waar ik me druk om maak; waarmee ik me onledig hou in het dagelijks leven’

Onledig, mooi woord. Veel meer dan dat is het niet. We houden ons onledig. Met gedachtes en emoties als een vaak te overheersend sausje. Sausje bij het leven, sausje dat het leven bedekt. 

‘Welk sausje wil je erbij?’

Waarom houden we ons on-ledig? De wijzen en spirituelen onder ons verheerlijken juist die ledigheid en zelf fantaseren we maar wat graag over het grote nietsdoen. Lees de glossy’s erop na, bezoek een retraite oord of ga gewoon op vakantie. Hoofd leegmaken is het devies. Het is de paradox van ons bestaan. Niets doen waarvoor je veel betaalt. Dat dan weer wel. Want als het gratis niets doen is, dan is het not done. Het grote niets doen mag je alleen verheerlijken als je het druk hebt (met geld verdienen).
Totdat ik in hun flat kom. Ik schuif één van de honderden c.d’s in de Bang&Olufsen. De c.d’s zijn in wezen al net zo verouderd als het meeste wat ik er aantref. Streaming en minimale opslagcapaciteit zijn de toekomst wordt me verteld door mijn vriend Rob afgelopen zondag. En wat dan met de materiële inhoud van wat er achterblijft na haar dood, vraag ik me af? Emoties klampen zich vast aan Shakespeare’s Complete Works, aan een etsje van een pruimenbloesemtak, aan bladmuziek van Händels Joshua. Weggeefertjes zijn het. Want wat moet je anders met emoties? Ik draag er meer met me mee dan me lief is. En toch verzamel ik in die flat een in mijn eigen ogen overdreven hoeveelheid aan emoties. Twintig pakken bedrukte papieren servetten, waarom gooi ik ze in ledigheidsnaam niet weg? Zakmesjes, pennen, een theepot nieuw in de doos, vinyl langspeelplaten en singletjes, taartbordjes, twee sierkussens, een damspel, heel veel boeken en nog veel meer c.d’s. Ik pak het allemaal in om het bij me te houden. Het zijn emoties realiseer ik me nu. Emoties van dierbaarheid, van geen afscheid kunnen nemen, van vasthouden aan wat voorbij is, van facetten die mijn identiteit vormen en mogelijkerwijs invulling geven aan mijn toekomst. Ze moeten worden samengebracht met alle andere baggage die ik al verzamelde in dit leven en die de toekomst mede bepaalt, van dit leven, voor wat het waard is. Het is de nagedachtenis, nee, het respect voor een voorbij leven, wat maakt dat niet alles naar de kringloop mag. Nog niet.

Halloween

While my kids in Poltergeist outfits walk downtown to join the Halloween parade of monsters with loads of trick or treat candies, I spent the late afternoon, early evening of Halloween all by myself in a deserted apartment at the other end of the world. Or so it seems. Although Holland is a small country, crossing borders is an ungoing thing here. Certainly litterary, physically as well. Coming from Amsterdam passing Utrecht, it’s another land rising up before the wind screen. Orange and yellow trees instead of flat acres of farmland. Pittoresque pieces of cattle field with mellow sheep instead of ruminating black and white cows. Two lane highways instead of four. After a one and a half hours drive, I enter a flat once inhabited by two elderly women. One of them was my aunt. She passed away shortly after her longtime house mate died. Now almost three years ago. They lived together for fifty years and left this material world both at the age of eighty, almost hand in hand.After three years the apartment is sold and I start scheduling the clearing of it exactly at this slightly creepy late afternoon of Halloween. It’s amazing how the unconscious operates. Which certifies our general preoccupation with souls and the hereafter during this time of the year. Dès que la nature meure.

I linger around the flat, making tea. Orange flavoured black tea. Something I normally wouldn’t like. But now, somehow it suits the occasion. Like the golden autumn leaves floating around, decaying. I turn on the Bang&Olufsen. Insert Vivaldi’s Four Seasons and enjoy the perfect surround system. My eyes visit the book shelves. My mind interacts with a whole lot of titles. To my pleasant surprise I find many a book on myths, legends, fairytales and folkloric wisdom. The passed lives of my aunt and her house mate start to ressurect from the artefacts. I resist the feeling of recognition. All that reading what is it good for anyway, is what I ask myself. While trying to stay rationally aloof of what I’ve entered already. Hours later the real question starts haunting me: what are we living for anyway? It’s on my heels the whole way back into the real world. With 120 km’s per hour on the highway desperately trying to return me and my emotions to the safe haven of Amsterdam.

I admire some ‘albums’ they created. No digital photo albums. Real stuff. And not only picture books, surprisingly so. There’s other kind of albums. One complete collection features unwritten, unspoiled paper art cards. It catches my attention. More or less twenty identical albums, all entitled: reading figurines. It’s that peculiar, worth an exposition, I remark in silence.

My Halloween hours in the apartment feel good. Like an easy going and interesting encounter. But when I leave the safe and protected surroundings of all souls, Vivaldi and the orange flavored black tea, I get emotional. In the car back home I sing the same couple of sentences, like a mantra, for hours: 

Past lives, I do anything for love

Past lives, I do anything for love
To really return into the material world, for me it takes communicating with a living soul. With some effort I find a living responsive soul. It works. I’m being pulled back. Grace! Leaves me wondering how crossing any kind of borders seems the obvious thing to do at Halloween.

Subject: Rod Stewart – When I need you

It’s another realm. Where we are, being together. There’s no gravity, there’s no matter at all and no good nor wrong. Unification resides. A force of nature stronger then thoughts of the mind and feelings of the body. Human thoughts and senses can act – best case scenario – as vehicles bringing unification about. They rarely do. Unconscious as we are of our destination. 
The other realm is where our souls surface. It’s the place where I encounter my mum who’s left the material world a long time ago. She and me used to and still do date while burning a candle in a forgotten foreign church. I’m showing my daughters how to do it now. Burning a candle in a forgotten foreign church. A quick mind fix normally costing not more as one euro. Peaceful churches where time always seems to stand still, functioning as a portal leading into another realm. Let it be clear that I’m not a devout Christian. Not at all. Christianity just happened to be the-closest-to-my-bed spiritual option. Connecting with my mum is what I learned to be a spiritual experience, visiting the other realm to be close to her. It’s all got to do with wholeness and unification. Meanwhile I find the same peacefulness, entering the bamboo floored basement where I practice my daily yoga, starting with meditation. Yog meaning connection. Gratefully listening to sixty nine years old Anil preaching about Shiva and more ruthless truthfulness. It’s another example of a portal into the other realm. Somewhat later, by the courtesy of Anil, my body will get into a flow, bringing about instant peace of mind.

There’s quite some options to exit reality. Alcohol, drugs, even a compelling book or a real piece of music all serve well to distract from reality. To step out of it. Adrenaline kicks caused by bungy jumping, the trance like flow created by thirty sun salutations – others run a marathon – the focused attention watching a horse run or simply enjoying my own fantasies; it all overrules the mind to a large extend. Taking away the awareness and pressure of reality. 

Next step. When does it become compulsive?

To have all consuming sex, to get into obsessions like shopping or eating frenzies, to escape into therapy, overly intense physical activity, speed driving or workaholism. It becomes compulsive when we need it so badly, we can’t do without. When the pressure of reality has become too big to handle and we let it be, we don’t resist, not knowing how to protect ourselves from it. Hence unconsciously we get into relieving tension. Somehow it’s like getting sick. Being the most natural way to break out of the daily stuff. The body needs a break and heals with or without assistance from outside exactly that what needs to be recovered. Followed by a recuperation time. The mind needs the same thing. Friday night we start drinking wine to ease the mind, wishfully calling it ‘to let go’ which we don’t. We merely sedate the mind. The next morning we get our recuperation time. Which is a mind thing. You think you can’t act. It’s the mind that can’t act. The body actually performs better during a hangover. The strange thing is that although we live in a world where almost everything evolves around the mind, we know surprisingly little about how to keep it sane and healthy. 

Studies of the mind like psychology or psychiatry concentrate on taking away the symptoms of an unhealthy mind. Without taking the whole picture into account. Without advertising what a healthy mind is and what we can do to keep it healthy. Have you noticed the incredible increase of newspaper bulk landing your doormat during the last decennium? You cannot tell me this is healthy mind food. What is? The one liners or be it just words, printed on T-shirts, bags and shop windows nowadays, won’t do the trick. But they do make clear our need for clarity and awareness.

How do we keep the mind sane enough to not need compulsive behavior? An awkward idea and almost impossible to pursue, is to make all of our behavior conscious. Is it thàt difficult? Yes it is! Imagine if one would tell you to do the all consuming sex, to get into obsessions like shopping or eating frenzies, to escape into therapy, overly intense physical activity, speed driving or workaholism. You’d say: ‘of course I can’t do that’. But since you’ve proved yourself being very well able to get into those unconscious states of mind, you are more then able to get yourself into consciousness as well. 

Being aware of your good and your bad efforts doesn’t mean resisting any of it! Step one is to consciously experience the flights your intense sports, work or shopping spurts are taking you onto. Step two is to consciously accepts these flights. Because it’s the destination you crave. The holiday of the mind. Check in! Your mind needs it. I say it again, do not resist. If you don’t like your mind holidays no more, please don’t try to change the flight number by running from alcoholism into yoga-ism and on and on into speed dating. The need for it, is like seed sprouting from your daily life. Cautiously start changing your daily life and the sprouts become different. Scaringly so! Because we’re unconsciously so scared to make real changes, we end up in a countless sequence of mind holidays. 

Waterfabel

Zomer in Europa en vooral ook nu hier op een Amsterdams terras. Het is negen uur ‘s morgens. De zon straalt en wordt nu nog vroeg in de morgen zacht gereflecteerd door een paar zonnebrillen om me heen. Alles fris en fotogeniek. Een man van de bloemenkraan aan de overkant tilt grote roze hortensia’s uit zijn Sprinter, paarse bolvormige ui-bloemen en een begrafeniskist boeket.

‘Goeiemorgen’

‘Hallo. Hebben jullie een Spa Rood of eigenlijk, hebben jullie ook een ander mineraalwater dan Spa Rood?’

‘Ja we hebben Bru’

‘Oh ja, geef dan maar een Bru’

‘Jullie hebben geen Pellegrino of zo?’

‘Nee, sorry’

Na Vichy Catalan in Spanje en Badoit in Frankrijk, voelt het lokaal geserveerde bruisende mineraalwater hier een beetje als een koude douche. Ingewikkeld onderwerp, mineraalwater. Duurzaamheid versus gezondheid. Water uit de kraan is vele malen duurzamer maar mineraalwater vele malen gezonder dan elk ander drankje ter consumptie. De hittegolf van een aantal weken terug die ons overspoelde op doorreis in Frankrijk en nog lang nazinderde op onze eindbestemming in de Spaanse Pyreneeën, heeft me afgebracht van thee. Er ging een heimelijke gezondheidswens in vervulling. Alleen maar water drinken. Klaar met al die andere ellende. Maar er bestaat water en water, werd al snel duidelijk.

Ons consumptief gedrag is weird. Water stroomt gratis uit de kraan. Mijn dorst ermee lessen, ho maar! Water uit de kraan moet op z’n minst verrijkt met een druppeltje ionic trace mineral solution. Dit brengt de mineralen terug in kraanwater. Want ik wil natuurlijk geen dood water drinken. En dan wil ik het eigenlijk ook graag gekoeld, uit de ijskast. De toegevoegde waarden qua temperatuur en levendigheid verlenen kraanwater net dat beetje meer, kennelijk noodzakelijk om als dorstlesser opgeld te doen. Kenmerkend dit gedoe. Typisch voor onze hang naar additieven. Op elk terrein. No matter what.

Thuis heb ik meestal geen bruisend water. Tot verdriet van mijn oudste dochter. Frisdrank hebben we al helemaal niet in huis en sap houden de kinderen niet van. Dus dat hebben we ook niet. Of het nou ananas, appel of multivruchten is. Gelijk hebben ze, denk ik stiekum, voor wat betreft onze zoetzure voorverpakte supermarktsappen. Jammergenoeg gaat een goede vers fruit shake er ook niet in.

Water! Voor de oudste met bubbels en voor de jongste plat. Spa rood is niet lekker genoeg om zware liters naar twee hoog te tillen heb ik besloten. Plat stroomt het uit de kraan. Chiffons bij Duikelman gehaald. Maar de zogenaamde slagroompatronen zijn duur en het voelt als enorme verspilling voor elk litertje water zo’n patroon de prullenbak in te mikken. Daarbij moet het water koud zijn anders werkt het systeem niet. Isolerende (!) chiffon eerst in de ijskast zetten. Als het water koud is deze eruit halen. Een slagroompatroon erin stoppen en gas creëren. Dan heb je 1 liter spuitwater die je het liefst direct opdrinkt. Anders verliest het z’n bubbels. Geen doen. Dan maar geen bruisend water thuis.

En zo is bruisend water verworden tot een treat waar we onszelf op trakteren als we ergens wat gaan drinken. Heerlijk. Verwend consumptief gedrag is er overigens niet minder om. Waren het eerst de goede Italiaanse espressobonen, daarna de kwaliteit van de thee (het liefst losse thee geserveerd in een potje) en heel vroeger het juiste assortiment wijnen en bier dat onze gang naar bepaalde cafés en bars bepaalden; nu gaat het om wat voor bruisend mineraalwater er wordt geserveerd.

En dat terwijl al dat transport van water hartstikke niet duurzaam is. Stella Maris uit Amsterdam gelukkig wel. Haalt het qua smaak niet bij Pellegrino. En al zeker niet bij het overheerlijke Vichy Catalan. Maar okay. Daarvoor zijn we dan ook gewoon thuis in eigen land. Wat het geheim is van lekker (bruisend) mineraalwater? De hoeveelheid van het mineraal Natrium oftewel zout. Hoe zouter hoe lekkerder. Druppeltje ionic trace minerals, paar graden Celsius kouder en wat milligrammetjes grof zeezout toevoegen aan een slok kraanwater. Nu de bubbels nog.

Ze leefden nog lang en gelukkig.

Goed lekker

De gevel van Juice Brothers op de van Woustraat is niet bepaald aantrekkelijk. Een uitstraling van dertien in een dozijn. Gelukkig voor hen hoeven ze het voor mijn bezoek niet te hebben van hun gevel. Ik ben verwezen. Met mijn vegan partner in crime Michiel. Samen op verkenningstocht door de vegan-lunch-optie-jungle van Amsterdam, delen we sinds een jaar eens in de zoveel weken tussen half één en half drie ‘s middags, onze bevindingen. Een jungle die overigens heel wat minder exotisch en voor de hand liggend is dan ik dacht. Het love, peace and happiness adagium in aanmerking nemend dat onze hoofdstad toch wel uitdraagt. Daar hoort het ontzien van dieren uit culinair genot klaarblijkelijk niet uitgebreid of vanzelfsprekend bij. Gelukkig is de engelstalige site Awesome Amsterdam geen onverdienstelijke gids.

De dag dat Michiel en ik afspraken om van Unlimited Health op de van Ostadestraat een volgende stop te maken in ons vegan lunch avontuur, bleek hun raw en vegan keuken tijdelijk gesloten. ‘Juice Brothers op de van Woustraat, kennen jullie dat?’ Twee weken later parkeer ik er m’n fiets tien minuten voor onze afspraak tegen de gevel, me vluchtig afvragend of deze stop een succes is.

Eenmaal binnen word ik gelukkig en prettig verrast. Wat ze in huis hebben is absoluut anders dan anders. Ik pak uit de koelvitrine alvast een turmeric shot en bestel aan de counter genmaicha thee. ‘Of ik er een glaasje water bij wil’, wordt me aardig gevraagd. Opzet en inrichting zijn meer gericht op take out dan lekker even zitten. Ik neem plaats aan één van de drie tafeltjes en concentreer me op de menu flyers. Disposable afhaaldrukwerk waarin ik scan: l’eau de coco, moringa – bladeren van de tree of life die zoals de lijvige informatiefolder bij de Alchemist Garden aan de Overtoom uitéénzet, werkelijk alles healt – matcha, lucuma, to name but a few of the food stuff waarvan ik dacht de enige te zijn het te koesteren in mijn keukenkastje. Vaak niet wetend waarom, hoe en wat. Het is goed, je bent niet de enige, is de message. Vanwege de thee sla ik het glas water af. Om erachter te komen dat het turmeric shot actually proofs itself to deserve better. Het is an actual shot. Tjeezz. Ik dacht dat de energy date balls die ik zelf maak en dan rol door een mengsel van amandelmeel en turmuric qua spices heftig zijn. Niet dus. If this is what people commercially stomach! Intussen wordt er een leuk design ding voor me neergezet: BREWT. Een persplex containertje met een klapdeksel en een ingenieus bodemsysteem, het geheel geparkeerd op kleine pootjes naast een groot glas. Als je het geval op het glas zet opent de onderkant automatisch en stroomt er warme thee gezeefd en wel uit. De naam suggereert dat het specifiek voor thee ontworpen is of voor andere plantaardige brouwsels. Surely a creative mind inventing this. Dat ik hier genmaicha kan drinken is net zo verrassend als de knallende smaak van het turmeric shot. Strikt genomen (wie bepaalt dat?) is genmaicha geen health treat. Opmerkelijk veel gezonds wordt het toegedicht. Maar puur vanuit het lichaam bekeken, als het draait om enzymen, mineralen, vitamines of geneeskrachtige kruiden, levert groene thee geen bouwstoffen. Het valt juist in de categorie stimulants. Dat wil zeggen dat het lichaam wordt aangezet tot een afweerreactie. Deze gevechtshouding levert een tijdelijke kick op, het opwekkende effect. Koffie, alcohol en suiker doen hetzelfde. Deze ‘wetenschap’ weerhoud mij er niet van veel groene thee te drinken. Hier in ons koude kikkerlandje zelfs meer dan water, beken ik. Voor wat betreft mijn voorkeur voor groene thee boven echt gezonde dorstlessers, vind ik mezelf kleinzielig en koppig. Maar ik ben niet de enige health freak die zich stimulerende middelen permitteert, is wat Juice Brothers me meegeeft. 

Japanse genmaicha thee heeft een prachtige felgroene kleur door de toevoeging van matchapoeder. Dit is vermalen groene theeblad van de allerhoogste kwaliteit; exclusief en duur. Zoals de Japanners er thee mee maken, daar kunnen wij nog heel wat van leren. Hier komt de opmerkelijke Japanse theeceremonie om de hoek kijken. Net als Japanse koks in opleiding vijf lange jaren besteden aan het tot in de perfectie leren koken van zoiets schijnbaar simpels als rijst, vereist het juist uitvoeren van een traditionele theeceremonie een nog veel langere geduchte training. Het is één van de Japanse kunsten waarbij meesterschap wordt verworven door minitieuze controle van lichaam en geest over de materiële wereld. Dit gaat een stukje verder dan ons begrip van een ritueel. Dit gaat verder dan begrip überhaupt. Terug naar de heerlijke genmaicha. Derde ingrediënt naast groene theeblad en gifgroen matchapoeder is ongekookte gefrituurde rijst. De korrels zwellen op als kroepoek en hebben wat wel weg van bruin gebakken larfjes met hier en daar een gepoft exemplaar ertussen dat lijkt op een schattig mini popcorntje. I’m lovin’ it. De smaak is onverwacht hartig. Zie je het iemand voor het eerst proberen die je aankijkt als Snoopy die te zure citroenlimonade drinkt en ‘wat maak je me nou?’ uitstraalt dan komt dat door de noodzakelijke acquired taste ervaring. Op z’n Nederlands: je moet het leren drinken. Net als wijn, koffie en schimmelkaas. Komen we terug op de natuurlijke smaak van het lichaam, haar reactie op stimulants en het contrast met de smaakbeleving van echte, rijk aan bouwstoffen en noodzakelijke voeding. Een onderwerp als wat vind je lekker?, dat ik hier voor het gemak even oversla. Wanneer Michiel komt ga ik lekker voor de inca bliss date-energy balls en raw chocolate truffles. Bommetjes van fruitsuiker en afrodiserende cacoa. Is goed lekker? Is lekker goed?

We lezen in de menu flyer dat Juice Brothers is geïnspireerd op het foodism van Mercedes Anna Martinez uit New York. Het aardige meisje achter de counter vragen we later of het de bedoeling is dat Juice Brothers een keten wordt. Jazeker dicht ze ons toe met een grote hartelijke lach en lichtjes in haar ogen. We wensen ze succes. Leuk concept. Willen we best meer van. Ondanks dat Mercedes Anna Martinez New York geen hits oplevert bij Google. 

Smaller then I remember

In one of the two rooms up in the attic a folding camp bed was parked for me. The other room was scary. It was more of the real atticky part of the top floor in my parents house. It’s where my grandparents slept when they stayed over for the night. A fascinating orange and black tube containing brilliant cream that my grandfather used to comb through his hair in the mornings, made me cautiously sneek into that room. But if that marvellously intriguing object wasn’t laying around, and it hardly ever was since my grandparents peacefully lived at the other side of the country, I wouldn’t dear enter that real attic and happily sticked to my own better illuminated quarter. 

Every evening I’d align next to each other all my dolls and teddy bears, neatly tucking them in under the bed cover. Although the newly acquired barby dolls weren’t comfortable to share the bed with due to their edgy ligaments, they’d concurred themselves some precious space as well because I loved playing with them so much.

I sat on my knees next to the folding camp bed, cautious enough not to sit at either end of it after several collapses that got me, bed and everything on it, high up in the air. There was no place left for me under the neatly folded bed cover. Occupied as it was with all scattered pieces of emotion symbolized by playful doll faces and soft dark teddy bear eyes. 

We project our own set of habits and emotions onto the other. Actually this someone functions like a mirror. We think we see the other. But we only see what we know and that’s ourself. That’s us. We start with non complex single message emotions as featured by dolls and teddy bears and hug happily ever after with our first girl- and boyfriends, on and on with our partners, husband and wives. In fact we never stop hugging ourselves. If we do it right! 
Young at heart we familiarize with pure loveliness. As adolescents we get into more punky sets of emotions. Contrasting, complicated and intertwined, as unintelligible as we are ourselves. Growing older we start to assimilate personality traits and become more and more aware of complex sets of emotions. Our emotions as they are being triggered by a variety of cultural or natural expressions, are into exploring different layers of recognition through art, food, music, nature; touching beyond the skin. Still it’s in the other we see ourselves. It’s in the other we recognize our own mistakes, frustrations, loveliness and anger.

And this is exactly what happens to our dolls and teddy bears when we are kids. We project our own interior onto something outside of us. Representation, reflection, projection, you name it; what we see comes from deep down inside ourselves. As long as we’re not aware of the content inside of us, we project it outside. To make it clear, to visualize it before our own eyes. 

This little girl is arranging her emotions neatly side by side. Abundant as they are, there’s no place left – or no space yet – for her individual self; to lay down her own physical head on the pillow. 

During the same time this little girl starts giving her dolls names. In particular the beautiful big baby like doll with the eyes that open and close following the movements of the head. If you put her down, she’ll sleep. If you lift her up, her eyes spread wide open. The little girl is proud to own this big doll and at the same time she finds the big doll scary. Secretly and just a little bit she tells herself. Fact is that the plastic doll is hard headed and by far the largest member of her extended doll and teddy family. The name giving practice is pretty endless. This however is mainly due to the fact that every next morning she’s oblivious again of the names she’d came up with the preceding day. Until one day she remembers the big dolls name. It’s Victoria. The victorious and voluptuous plastic doll bears that name until today. 

How does a four year old girl know what victoria means? Has it been a way to concur the slight fear for her doll? Finally finding a suitable name, the one and only that lasted. Naming is the start of acquainting, of finding ways to get to know and eventually handle. In this case frightening and loving feelings at the same time. Victoria is overwhelming to the girl, is the victorious one to the girl and at the same time she loves the doll a great deal. Never in history Victoria was surpassed by another doll and until today Victoria lives on in the girls memory.

Somehow I managed to acquire a space in my bed night after night, surrounded by all my emotions, neatly tucked in next to me, well taken care of. And when they had silently fallen asleep I could rest my physical head next to them.

Lolita or Dolores, Part II

Nothing is required. It is very well possible to protect oneself against all the love and all the pain and to live a perfectly traumatized or phobic life. Running up- and down to duties, solely entering spotless spaces, closing eyes to injustice, abstracting culture by bringing it down to one-monthly visits to musical performances and museum cafés. And last but certainly not least: we are very well capable and will for sure silently bear those unexplainable little fears of heights, flying or other secret threats that come along with disconnecting. Opening up and closing down is like breathing in and out. We keep on doing it all the time. Aren’t we? Automatically? We’ve escaped or rescued ourselves from the rat race. And now suddenly we find ourselves settling down into another formality, soothed day after day by nice glasses of wine, interesting reads and the decent fantasy of making this special challenging trip, next year.

We live in a consumer paradise. Unfortunately it’s not only the material stuff we purchase exactly how and when it suits us. We got into the mode of wanting to feel in doses as well. Comparable to selecting our groceries from the shelves of the supermarket. We want the ingredients of what we’re about to feel, to be well advertised on the packaging. We actually even prefer to pay for it because it enables us to circumscribe pretty exact, restricted and narrow, the amount of what we get and to specify in terms of money what we can afford to spend in order to acquire exactly the amount of desired satisfaction. We want to enable ourself to open up the box of Pandora at a suitable time and close it when we’ve had enough. We let feeling in at command. Like we do when acting as if we control our kids, our garden, our weight and the traffic: ruling and out ruling feelings upon a whim. There’s rules and how-to’s for everything. How to (over) rule what you’re feeling is a main target in everyday life. Feeling tired? Grab a coffee. Suffering from a headache? Take a painkiller. Feeling down? Seek distraction. Fall in Love? Play hide and seek. You’ve only got to stick to the civilized manuals and guidelines and you’ll stay out of trouble. Social and outward trouble that is. As opposed to inward trouble which is lulled to sleep or anesthetized by French wine, moments of wellness or acquiring some must-haves.

As we speak I realize that we do not at all want to feel our everything and all that’s around and about. To the contrary! We’re trying our uttermost best to not feel next to nothing. We’re trying so hard to not connect!
Connection is advertised as something you experience while sitting on a yoga mat with your fingers crossed. Tuning in at the sound of aum while keeping your eyes and all other senses closed and shut up. We call this connecting with the inner self. What we’re doing is forcefully silencing thoughts and emotions to make space for nothing. After a bit we pretend to step into a sudden energy flow by elegantly moving from one asana into the next. Set and done we feel satisfied with what we’ve just done, more then with who we are and continue our daily lives as human doings instead of beings. Continue, maintain, proceed, keep up with it.

It starts to dawn at me that this can’t be the real flow of energy, contained as it is without any transforming or reborn power at all. This won’t lead to transforming the energy called pain into something else that can be released. Transforming despair into hope. Transforming knots into unwinding nests of loose ends. Why do I want this, if it doesn’t make me run harder, if it won’t give me back the control in life. It results in the opposite. It stops me from running away from the chaos. And it makes me stay put. Yeah! Finally.

To have your energy flowing for real, it takes connecting to a real source of power. Something mutual and universal I suggest. But it doesn’t really matter. As long as it is bigger then yourself. Who cares for connecting to your own level of apprenticeship? Move on up is what we’re in for. Progressing, growing and deepening the senses by broadening them and foremost alluding to the understanding of it. Keep away from it for too long and the engine is running on empty, stagnating and eventually it fails to ignite at all. Our attempts to reinforce ourselves by cursing, drinking or working hard failed. Pursuing authentic produce, spending expensive time in silence retreats or developing our own personal trainer programs actually to be honest, don’t do the trick either. You know what? It takes a hell of a lot of stopping, sitting in and letting go offs to see through that exact same window that opens onto the beautiful things in life. Lolita, Dolores, are you still with me!

Lolita or Dolores, Part I

Dolores or the mother of grief is Lolita’s real name; agent-provocateur of a whole complex of sexual pursuit and inhibition embodied in a novel by Nabokov. Feelings of attraction and guilt personified by and cheerfully nicknamed Lolita. Dolores being her real name, dolor Spanish for pain. Lolita is about the pain inflicted by Western civilization, bluntly imposing sex as not a good thing to have between a girl at the age of twelve and her stepfather. Lolita or Dolores would probably be called Felicita in a real world where mature girls are allowed to be mature when they are and real men are allowed to act upon their impulses, swift and resolute that is. For that’s how mankind survives.

Back in our not so real world: how do we act upon our instincts? Or do we not act at all but re-act, obstructing energy, merely giving way to feelings of pain and remorse. Pain that is inflicted by something bigger then ourselves: the rules of society, laws that protect the weak, administered authorities. I rather make companions in suffering for the things that are too big to carry around by myself, then bluntly act upon my instincts. Because if I do, I will be outlawed, out ruled or imprisoned. Hence, I unconsciously share and make fellows in carrying the pain, creating my own keepsakes of pain. Until the pain can be turned into something else like tears or grief and as such can be harmlessly released. It’s not the soul or whatever word you prefer to describe the essence of being in general and human being in particular, that’s crying. Souls, like boys, don’t cry. Actually boys should cry a little bit more. To keep them from doing more harm then preventable.

The body cries and sheds tears, not the soul. If ever, souls merely weep. The soul doesn’t get tensed, the body does. Souls just are. Beings. Not running, making love, eating nor the act of crying make them exist. Souls simply are. There’s one thing they do. They mate. Souls mate and make soul mates. In doing so they produce more soulful material. Let’s say they reproduce. To cut it short, when I’m crying it’s a form of pain release; it’s not my inner self that expresses itself. It’s outer tension turned into something else. Be it tears, laughter or rage, it remains energy, just neatly enveloped in different wrappings. Energy is energy. It only takes on different forms to manifest itself: pain, love, a tree or burning flames. It implies that pain cannot be dissolute. Dolores might be a pretty heavy name to carry – imagine giving it to your daughter – actually it’s what it is and what we all do. From friend to friend, from parent to child, from neighbor to neighbor, from driver to pedestrian and the other way around; we carry pain.

Talking pain, it’s universal. It’s all around and all about. The guy that jells at me in traffic, the parent that accuses me, the lover that hurts me; they all suffer themselves, not being able to digest the pain. It might be against all odds but pain simply is not to be digested. We say we digest pain like we say that male love goes through the stomach. Which symbolizes something essentially immaterial. What is digested are the keepsakes of pain and love. We turn them into something else. Into grief, hope, laughter, fantasies or sorrow. If we’re able to! We transform pain or love if we or others allow ourselves to do so. Then we release it. Pain in the form of tears, love in the form of tenderness. If not, if we’re not able to transform the pain, we’ll inflict it upon ourselves causing mental and physical illness or upon others in a faint attempt to get rid of it, understandable but extremely sorrowful. What happens if we’re not able to transform the love? Well look around and see for yourself.

Let the body release. As far as physical and mental barriers or boundaries permit. And this is why, even without consciously being aware of it, we crave to open up. As much as possible. Not so much to receive the love that’s presumably all around. Please keep looking for magnificent flowers and beautiful butterflies. See the beauty of it. To open up to all kinds of instant provocateurs of the senses. But be prepare to cry now, to feel horrible, down and outworn. Pain and the lack of love manifest. Transform to release it. It simply is a package deal. Once you really connect, you connect with everything around you. Love and injustice, misery and marriage; it’s all like horses and their carriage. You tell me what’s abundant: is it love or is it pain? And Lolita asks Dolores: ‘what is in a name anyway?’